Feeling Lost
0I tell her in all the ways that I can. I try to show her in all the ways that I know how. Still, it seems that she does not see how much I truly love her. She does not realize how much I appreciate her. She has said that she is “waiting for the other shoe to drop” or for me to “punish” her for things that have happened in the past. Even though there are times that certain thoughts may enter my head, I have moved on from the past, and anything that has happened. I only want to move forward to a better place. I want us to work together toward a better future for us, and not always look at the bad side of things.
But now she is depressed (and has been for a while), and though I may not know all of the reasons why, or understand all of the reasons that brought her to this point, knowing that she is in the place she is has me in so much actual pain that I can’t describe it. There are many things in her life that brought her to this place. The pain I am having is because I cannot be the one to bring her out of this place… or maybe because I think I might be some of what is causing it.
When I woke up, today, we sat on the same couch… quietly. We sat there for about 90 minutes without speaking, except for a few words, here and there. The last time that I saw her awake, before I woke up, was when I left to go to work, the previous night. She was watching movies and she seemed happy… or at least happier than she was, today. I know that she’s been feeling depressed for a while, but today she seems to have hit a new level, and I have no idea what has caused the change.
Was there some sudden realization of something between last night and this afternoon? Did somebody say something to send her there?
She says that she does not want to talk to anybody. She’s not watching television, reading, or anything… except doing our daughter’s laundry, again, and maybe listening to some music. I can see that there are thoughts going through her head, but because I do not want to pry, I don’t ask what they are. I have only offered to listen to whatever she might want to talk about, even if I may not like what I hear.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know how to help. I’m afraid of what I don’t know.
Now, I am back at work, once again. While it’s not the hardest work in the world, it’s something that takes me away from her, and the ability to even “be there” for her. Even though I know that I need to work to be able to even afford to stay afloat, there are many times that I wish I could just quit. The job has it’s own stresses… some of which she never hears about. There’s no need for me to bring up any of my job stress, especially when she has her own to deal with. I also know that there are many other jobs out there that I could have even more stress at.
I know there is nothing that she can do about my stress at work, but some of the things that are stressing her, I am able to help with… at least in “some” capacity. I think that sometimes when I’m trying to help, though, it comes off as just more stress for her. I just need her to know that I’m on her side, and “by” her side through anything that we have to go through.
It’s Been A While
0I just realized that it’s been 41 days since I last posted on this blog. That’s a lot longer than I ever expected between posts, here.
For the most part, everything has been going pretty well. We have run into the usual problem of running out of money before we do everything we want to do or getting everything we’d like to get. We’re used to this… we’ve been doing it for so long. It would be nice to actually be able to afford some of the extras, though. I need to try harder to solve this problem. I need to work harder toward the solution.
I know that Angel is feeling some feelings that she isn’t used to. I know that she doesn’t like some of those feelings, but I can only try to understand and help where I can.
A lot of the feelings are because she feels like she she needs to be the one that takes care of everything. She’s always taken care of everything when it came to the kids and the house and anything else that needs attention. She’s had that responsibility for way too long, and the time has come where she needs to start living for herself, instead of living for others.
At the same time, she is having trouble letting go of those responsibilities. She has some feelings of the “empty nest syndrome”, yet it is something that she really wants, all at the same time.
A certain part of the reason for her feelings is that she’s not sure what she’s “supposed” to do. There are things that she “wants” to do, some of which require money, and I’m sure she’ll be able to do them all.
Sometimes, I will offer her the money in order to buy some of the things she needs for the things she wants to do. Rather than taking the credit card and using it to get stuff, she will make up excuses like the need to pay bills or buy food. I know that there’s bills and I know we need food, but she also need to be happy. In my mind, that’s more important than bills or food.
Her latest post clearly shows that there is some confusing things that need to be worked through. I will be there to help her through them, as much as I can. Having to babysit gradkids and having an empty house are opposites and each of them is a little hard to deal with, right now.
Mini Vacation
0Had a great time on my four day weekend! Even when we weren’t doing anything fun or exciting, I still had a ton of fun and was really excited. We will definitely have to hit the casino again.
The Human Problem
0Nobody is immune to the problem. We are all imperfect to one degree or another. Realizing this makes it a lot easier to understand.
For most of the past 18 years, I have always done what I was “supposed” to do, instead of what I “should” have done. I have paid attention to a lot of things that did not matter, in the long run, when I should have been paying attention to you. I have provided with material things and basic necessities, instead of providing support and understanding.
I will admit that I made mistakes, and I regret those mistakes. There is nothing that I can do to change things in the past, though. I could give excuses or try to lay blame, but it would not change the fact that I did not always do the right things at the right time.
Now and into the future, I have a lot of things to make up for. I will do the best that I can to make you feel how I should have made you feel from the start.
There are still outside influences, other people’s tangles, and other things in our lives that will take away from those feelings, once in a while. I think that we are both at the point, now, that we can work through our own things, and give other people’s problems back to them. We have never given our problems to other people to let them deal with, and there is no reason why we should be expected to deal with theirs.
I’m sure that the human problem will still come into play every now and then… there’s no escaping it. From now on, though, we’ll be able to learn from them much faster.
For Keeps
0This blog is dedicated to my Angel… my queen. What I write, here is intended as things that I would like to say, songs that I would like to play, and anything else that matters to me.
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